Death
by SlayersGrl
Summary: Sequel to Blood. Rodney and John finally have a little chat about life, death, and the choices we make.


Title: Death  
Author: SlayersGrl  
Summary: Sequel to Blood. Rodney and John finally have a little chat about life, death, and the choices we make.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis or any of its wonderful characters. This is purely for entertainment only.

Author's note: Since I rather like the fact that Blood was left somewhat open ended, I decided to do a sequel instead of another chapter. This one has more angst than its predecessor. Enjoy!

* * *

Death. Its essence seemed to cling to him. It had been several weeks since Rodney McKay had taken his first life. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't erase the smell of blood. 

He never did get to talk with Sheppard. The discovery of a new lab shortly after their return from that disastrous mission had provided Rodney with the perfect distraction. He had eagerly thrown himself into his work. It provided him with a way to escape back to normalcy, if only for a short while.

But he couldn't escape the dreams. He would only manage to get a few hours of sleep before he would be back in that dark, blood-spattered cavern relieving every horrifying detail. He knew his teammates were starting to worry. His lack of sleep was starting to take its toll. He realized he would be forced to talk about it sooner or later. He just preferred it to be later…

And so, once again, Rodney found himself standing on one of the many balconies of the ancient city, simply watching the gentle ebb and flow of the water below. This had become something of a routine for him. He'd try to get as much sleep as he could and when he would inevitably awaken from the same, repetitive nightmare, he would end up here. The waves had a soothing quality to them. For a short time, he could get lost in the image of tranquility and almost forget his troubles. Almost…

Rodney was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice a figure approach and stand beside him at the balcony's edge until the visitor cleared his throat to grab his attention. He was startled out of his reverie and quickly turned to see who had joined in his late night outing.

"Hey McKay," Sheppard said with a smile once his friend finally realized he was standing right next to him. "You're up pretty late."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't sleep," Rodney replied.

John waited to see if his friend would perhaps expand on that statement but the man just returned to staring out at the ocean. So he decided to try a different tactic to generate a conversation. "Dr. Weir cleared me for duty today. Well, light duty…"

"Good," was the soft response.

He frowned slightly at that. Since when did McKay give one word answers? He was being uncharacteristically quiet and he had a pretty good idea why. "I never did thank you."

Rodney was understandably confused by the abrupt change in topic. "For what?"

"For saving my life."

"Talk about cosmic irony. Take a life to save a life," Rodney replied with a short laugh.

Sheppard sighed. Well, at least they were finally talking about what had happened. "You had no choice Rodney. He would have killed us."

"I know that. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't keep that scene from replaying in my head every night."

Sheppard realized he should have recognized that Rodney was having a hard time dealing with this. He just didn't like talking about the dark side of what he did on a daily basis so he sort of pushed the signals to the back of his mind. But he wasn't going to let his friend agonize any longer. "Rodney, I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about this sooner. But the truth is, I don't really have any answers for you. I wish I could change how it all played out but I can't."

"How do you do it? How you deal with the fact that you have to live with blood on your hands?"

This was the question he was hoping to avoid. He had to think for a moment before responding. "I remind myself that my actions were necessary, that sometimes I have to kill to ensure the safety of others. I'm not proud of that fact, but I can't erase my past."

"So what, it's just kill or be killed? We're all just a bunch of animals then?"

"When you're in the midst of a war, yes, I guess we are nothing more than animals. And whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, we are in the midst of a war. We are fighting to survive in a strange new galaxy against an enemy we may not be able to defeat. I wish things were different, that we had never awoken the Wraith. And don't think that I don't blame myself for that. But we all have to live with the choices we make.

"You want to know how to survive, how to move on? You trust in your friends to be there for you and to help you through the rough times. It may be slow and it may be painful, but you will move on, even if I have to drag you through it kicking and screaming." John was pleased to see his last comment had elicited a smirk from Rodney.

"Thanks. I guess I knew what you're saying… I just needed to hear someone say it."

John smiled. "Good. Now, how about we go raid the cafeteria for a little late night snack?"

He eagerly nodded his head in agreement and he and his partner in crime headed off to scrounge for some dessert.

Rodney still hadn't completely come to terms with what had transpired in that small cavern on that distant, backwater planet. But he knew he would be okay, eventually. Especially since he knew several friends who would be there to help him through the hard times and distract him with late night cafeteria excursions. Yup, Rodney McKay was going to be just fine.


End file.
